I was born on the fourteenth of july
I’m 15

I’m quite often the object of peoples desires
Which often gets me used and abused
It takes alot of Time and Money to look this Quick and Cheap
People say i’m Heartless
People say i have no Emotion
Get one thing CLEAR
Ice Water Runs In My Veins
And nobody can warm me up..
Not even enough
That i pass as human

I like to kiss in the rain
Shopping is the only sport i’m good at.
Trust me it’s a sport
I’m super blunt
I fall in love too easy
My heart gets broken alot
I think puppies are cute, don’t make fun of me you do too
Sex is nice
I have no problem with drugs
I’ve experimented with them. im not proper
I just have an opinion
My heart is black
I wish at 11:11
People sometimes label me a whore..
Sometimes they are right
I’m not a model
I dont think im pretty
I tend to lose friends fast
But i’ve come to learn they are just a stepping stone
They make me stronger
And help me believe in myself
And realize my strengths
Normally i’ll end up in a fight
Because im stupid and reckless and trying to have fun
And you have to learn to fend for yourself
Or face falling flat on your face
It’s happened to me before
And I’ve learned,
But haven’t put it to any use
You’ve got one life.
So live it
And the friends I DO have
I think I love.

I am quite A-MAZ-ING

One day someone asked me why I was the way I am
In the middle of a class
And I couldn’t answer them

It was Soul Destroying

I dont collect alot of things
But I like keeping notes people send to me

I’m still waiting for someone to rescue me
From this 2 star town
Sometimes i crave excitement
Sometimes i crave individuality
I’d like to settle down one day
I think starfish

It takes me a long time to get ready
I only love a few people
Morgan
My best friend since grade 9
Amanda
BFF since grade 5
Ezra
Who Knows. He’s crazy smart and immature but it doesnt change a thing.
Ivy
Shes the most beautiful, smartest, shiest, greatest person ever and I dont think she realizes it
Ashley
My nut case, my friend since grade six
Metaa
Since 6th fo life
Miranda
Grade 3, injury causing, shopping buddy, tacky song singing friend
John Barrett Folk
I love this kid. No Lie. Since grade six. We’ve kissed, smoked, and had sex together. He’s got my back and I’ve got his and I wouldnt want it any other way

Sometimes i’m a bitch
Sometimes i’m a friend

Fuck with me,
And i’ll destroy you
AND the ones you love and hold dear
I like the beach
I like to hold hands
Horror video games scare me
I can’t play some games alone
I’m no good at video games
Trust me.
I will be your heart’s demise
I’ve havent dated alot of people
Just because I don’t stay in love
I think i’ve found my soulmate
Recently my relationships have been falling apart
I’ll be alone forever
Maybe its for the best
And anyway,
I’m too mean to love
Nobody will EVER
Love me in the morning.

I’ve met my twin
I think porn is nasty
But i’ll make one anyway
I like to make things awkward

And i do a good job

I hate my pictures
I like attention
But Not alot

I have friends across the world
But sometimes my bunny is my one and only
He’s the reason i stay home at night
I’ve done bad
I’ve done good
I’m a lover
Not a fighter

People think i’m dumb
I do act that way
But i’m actually pretty smart
I often get what i want
I was a spoiled chils
I consider myself a princess
I have no ink
I hateee snow
I like snowboarding though
I still play dressup
I love it
I dont like to accessorize
I’m too good to fuck you
Your not good enough to fuck me
So please don’t ask
I like silver. No diamonds, especially no gems.
I’m a bitch
Get over it
Everyone in this town knows me,
The spotlight keeps me warm
I like to dress up for no reason
I hate talking to people on the phone
They can hang up and it makes me
Mad

I like giving random presents
I like getting random presents

Just ’cause

I’m very confused about my life
But it seems to work out so i’m ok
I like kids
But i never want kids of my own
I’m afraid of centipedes
I like hugs,
I cry
I like to feel small
And have someone big hold me
I giggle
I’ve never been in trouble with the law.
At least not yet

When i drink
I drink
I straighten my hair because i hate my curls,
I’ll kiss anyone
I drink alot of cranberry juice
I dont drink very much
When I do I know no moderation
I like being naked
Cause my clothes are too itchy
Sometimes i wish i could live underwater
Because i like to swim
I’ll never give up hope on you
Because i don’t like when people
give up on me
Please be patient
I promise i’m worth it
We can be friends
Just don’t ditch me tommmorow

Id like to take a dagger to my heart
down to my stomach
so i can take a real look inside myself
and truly touch what I fail to see;
a broken heart and nothing else

Im sad alot
and I cant take peoples shit
Im bad at come backs
so I choose not to respond
To prevent embarrasment
Im not good at ignoring people
I like confrontation
Not drama

My mind is somewhere I cant find
Where I wish I could be
I’m on a fast track to nothing
And I have nothing to live for
And so I will die with nothing

Few things make me happy though I smile all the time
Horseback riding. Skateboarding. Family & Friends that could be family.
I dont remember much of my past
I find myself looking at pictures from years ago
and wondering If I smiled because I was happy
or because they told me to.

Im not a positive person
I hate my job
I hate the people that surround me
I hate how people are trying to set my future how they want it
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up
I’ll tell you when I do
I want to stay young
But I want to grow old

I love old people
and what they have to share
I hate when people who are old
try to look young
And Young people
Who try to look old

I want to enjoy life without setbacks
But Im finding that harder with the more responsibilities I have.
a job. school. animals. me.
I don’t think my parents are very influential
They helped me through the time i needed them
I need them to leave me before I leave them
whichever comes first

I hate having to hurt people
but I will if i have to.
Fight me with words?
I’ll crush you.
All talk?
Can’t you throw a punch?
You can throw a punch?
I can take it…
and I’ll sue you for every penny your worth.
No joke.

Im a whore.
Im a teenager.
Im out of control.
Ive got it all under control.
Nothing can stop me.
He can.
Where is he?
Asleep, dreaming of someone else.

I have to live with this?
Of course.
What can I do about it?
Nothing.
I dont like to be the center of attention.
I dont need the limelight.
I dont need to put mysef out there
when everyone I care about is in here.

in my heart.

…no matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back as soon as the pool of their blood edges up too close.

I dont even remeber the last time i wrote on here. its kinda sad.

There are alot of things going on in my life right now and its driving me crazy but im trying to deal with it. Sooo here goes nothing.

Donna wants to punch me in the face for giving her “lip” whatever.
Ive got like..3 projects due by the end of the quarter.
Im being torn between morgan and shamarie
and work and freetim.
seriously…i had off on friday and lisa asked me to cover for her!
whatttttt is that?
hmm
people think im going to wind up preggers
and i want so much i cant have.
and this is the list of things i want:

I want to be myself and not feel the need to conform to everyone
i want to stop wishing i had money and hating people who do
I want to be a leader and stop following in other peoples footsteps
i want people to believe in me for once
I want to be thinner, prettier, smarter, stronger
i want to feel good about myself every day
I want to be able to tell my parents everything and not hide anything
i want to know everything is going to be okay
I want to know what its like to be held by someone who really loves you
i want to be perfect for myself, and for them
I want to understand why everything is the way it is
i want to be looked up to and not down on
I want to be treated fairly
i want ot be safe within the arms of someone i care about.

I want alot of things i can have.
thats life though.

auf wiedersehen

I hate the holidays. i really do. I hate people. I hate the fact that everyone wants me to go to college. I hate the fact i probably never going to see half my friends after high school. And I hate the fact people just dont want me to succede. So, I’ll address all my problems from the order I listed them in. Just a note– this might be long and I may have quite a few spelling erros but that is because im too lazy to go back and check and NIp/Tuck is on in 30 min.

So anyways. The Holidays. Look at it this way– Everyone gets all hyped up about what they have on their lists…which is basically a guideline for parents to look for cheaper versions of things without feeling guilty–well back to the lists.- and then on Christmas when you don’t get what you want your dissapointed. Its pretty much unavoidable unless your rich and get everything you want. Anf then theres the fact that everybody spends so much time decorating the christmas tree…and a few days after christmas you rip everything off and put everything in boxes unil next year. So you basically kill a tree, which gives us oxygen mind you, and all it represents is status. Who has the biggest tree?! Who has the most decorations?! Gosh! They must be really rich or really close! I don’t think people understand that Christmas is supposed to bring family and friends together for a day just to relax and be with eachother. But we made Christmas so commercial with all the advertisements and people needing to get this this this and that. its ridiculous.

SO second on my list is people! Oh god. If you attend Kutztown High please stand up and give yourself a round of applause for being so ignorant and self centered and FAKE. You know what? I was being quite ridiculous when i said people. Because honestly I hate people my age. Some toddlers. The rest of the people I tolerate. Like…especially ids my age because everyoe is changing and nobody is the way they used to be and i guess that is a good and a bad thing, but to me its mostly a bad thing. But I mean if people didnt change then we probably would be in our own little cliques like in middle school, afraid t open up and just sitting there with a closed mind. So I hate how people, especially popular people, look down on some of the not so popular people like their trash and they act like little princes and princesses…but in reality their like everyone else except maybe they look a little nicer or have more expensive clothes. beats me. im not popular. I really hate how people who are your friends can talk shit to your face but then talk worse behind your back. And how they dont help you when your trying to stop rumors by screaming things you regret doing in the middle of the hallway during lunch period. Elrt alone talk to the biggest mouth about your “problems”. See- this happened to me today. I thought i could tell my best friend something and we’re walking to our next class and she goes screaming what I did through nthe halls. And I mean i know i do these types of things, but im a teenager and i like to experiment, but on the other hand my brother is coming to the high school next year and he really is the biggest tattle tale ever…and i dont need him to find out and go tell my mom.

Well anyways. College. I don’t want to go to college. i dont want to sit in a classroom for hours on end listnening to a professor lecture on something im not going to remember tomorrow. I dont want to pay how many thousands of dollars for that and then not get a job in my field. Or theres even the possibility that im not going to like what i do and then be stuck doing it for the next 30 years of my life. instead of going to college I would like to explore careers and maybe if i find on i like i can further develop my knowledge on that practice through hands on work. Because thats just how I learn. I dont need books to tell me things when experience can. I mean college would be nice but i dont have the patience or the energy to deal with people my age for however long im in college. Like Psychology. and Biology are 2 things i like. but oh well. Im going to run out of time if I dont hurry my ass up on this thing.

My friends. After High School. This kinda ties in with everything because right now i dont know who my real friends are. i dont know who’s going to college and who’s staying in kutztown. I dont know much of anything. And my Grandfather thinks i should change my attitude on people because im never going to get anywhere with my views on people. but I think if I change my attitude I’ll be changing who I really am and I dont think people would like me being fake. Just to please one person I would be hurting other people and my friendships with them. ugh. And I know my friends will probably end up leaving Kutztown and ill see them im 20 bijillion years on some random street in NY like they do in movies…

And people, I think, are ttrying to stop me because I think that people, because most people who try to stop me are men, are chavunistic. Like Riding. I wanted to buy Victor but my dad was the only one against it. I want to skateboard and my poppop doesnt think its very lady like. but honestly, Im not much of a lady and thats okay with me, and obviously the people around me because the seem to accept me. With Victor, my mom was all for it but my dad was like “rawr rawr rawr no no no! You’l go broke” but my mom thought i would learn to be responsible. (thank you mommy :] even though your trying to cut my phone off from the one person who cares about my well being because he lives in canada). I dont know. My dad wants me to finish tech even though its not what I want. but I dont want to cook the rest of my life and he wants me to do something but once again I dont want to go to college. Oh WELL!

im out :]

It’s a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks I dreamt of where we’d stepped
And all the whole mess of roads we’re now on.

I can’t say that these last weeks have been really great. I’ve done some pretty exciting things and some things im not too proud of. let’s start off with my job. I work at the kutztown tavern now…as a prep cook. I do line work and stuff when i have nothing else to do. i made 218 on my first paycheck. with a $81 tax deduction. is that seriously even legal. i cant even pay taxes yet. honestly, whats the point of getting paid and working all these hours when the governments just taking your money back…

well besides my job which is pretty much consuming my social life, another good thing that happened was i started riding again after camp, instead of dissapearing for half a year before coming back. things are going good. i rode with angie who stopped down for her birthday and catherine who couldnt make it to camp. so yeah. victors doing pretty awesome. lol.

and on another good note, i got accepted to go on the german trip. i was literally number 40. so i put in my $250 deposit. my goals and everything are set for how much money i need and how much i need to work. my grandma is on the waiting list right now…so she may or may not be going.

bad note, well ive been screwing around with alot of things and i kinda want to stop but at the same time i dont. i just dont feel the need to. even though my friends keep telling me to stop doing this stuff i really am at the point where im pushing everyone an armslength away from me and doing whatever i want…not caring what i do. even though i almost got caught today. its not like i can help it. seriously. and plus…im like not eating as much as i normally would. i lost like 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks from this shit and working and running around all the time. and as much as i hate to admit it, but i know im changing personality wise. im finding things that were hilarious to me in the past as melancholy and totally wry. I guess im just growing up or something. I don’t feel any different…i look different, but i think its partially in the way im acting around my friends. I don’t feel the need to impress them, and i never have, but like…im not taking any crap anymore. drama pretty much ruined my friendships in my freshman year, and i learned from my mistakes and im trying my hardest to stop myself from making them again. And to some certain 8th graders *cough cough anna behm cough cough*, im just a total bitch. Which at times i can be but im generally not unless i really dont want to deal with people. And i really could care less what people say about me. Like…honestly. i didn’t make out with half the guys in school, and i didnt sleep with anybody, and i didnt do this and that and all this bull shit. If you want to know something about me, feel free to ask me; ill give you the god honest answer whether you like it or not. but anyways. i feel horrible because i did this in the fisrt place. My friends bf is this kid i used to like and idk…im jealous of course because i wanted him. even though its my fault i didnt tell her i liked him… and i pretty much told him he’d be gone in a month or whenever she finds another guy. im pretty much comparing her to one of those car ads… “5 years or 50,000 miles.” whichever comes first. and i love this girl to death, you know…shes got my back and ive got hers. it just really bothered me and i dont want to see him get hurt. I dont really care if we never end up together but i just dont want him hurt. i know she can deal with it.
so anyways, to a half and half count. well, i have to say im giving up alot for something ive wanted for quite literally atleast 12 years. on sunday when i was riding last, I was given this deal from my riding instructor. She told me that if i can make enough money every month to pay for board, we would work out a price for victor. I literally almost cried. Im not saying im a better rider than everyone else there, but like…im the only one he listens to when being ridden. I pretty much trained him. And i also fell off of him the first time i rode him. He’s taught me to take my ime with things and work at a steady pace and to not get frustrated with anything. becuase believe me i was pretty frustrated with him. So, i’ll explain my situation. I have to make $280 a month for boarding. plus however much she wants for him. Germany costs 3000, that i have to have by april or something like that. A horse is a big investment, i know. But im giving up germany for him. ive wanted this horse even after i fell and i still want him. Even more so now that he’s trained So toodles germany, ello horse ownership im just reallllly excited. but i feel bad for not going to germany because my grandma wants to go and shes on the waiting list. :/ oh welllll. AND i really miss him

So then theres the boy in tech that i like and im not naming any names beacuse they both could quite possibly read this as some point in time. So all im going to say is that hes really cute, funny, and makes me want to come back everyday just to see him even though he wont be there as of next year. Oh. ill get over it.

New songs ive been listening to from anberlin and amber pacific. i think my favorite song isssssss reclusion w00t. lol. uhhh.

yeah im going to bed. im frickin TIRED. baha. well okay, just a little stuff here for youuu
Feels like you’re miles from here,
in other towns with lesser names.
Where the unholy ghost doesn’t tell
Mary or William exactly what they want to hear.
You remember the house on Ridge Road
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You’ll just have to trust me. I’m scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren’t we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren’t we all to you just lost

okay…im not really sure how to work this site yet…but i’ll manage.

Well today was pretty interesting. First off I slept in about half an hour later than i should have. Then Angie came over and i talked to myself about how much i hate the weather man. Then my dad took us to camp…and we’re driving up and he starts telling us about a short mexican, meth man and calming down a horse by smacking its head with a 2 by 4. We got there and he saw turkeys so he decided to call to them…like…uhh. hes embarrasing sometimes. I rode Victor today…and he kept spooking and freaking himself out by chewing on the rope and pulling on it. so he thought the rope was gonna hit him. Which sucked because i had to calm him down. Well we rode…I was on him, Ang was on Cabby and George was on Honey. We worked on pole bending, arena exercises and cavaletti…and then getting victor to go around the arena without Honey in there b/c George had to go. Soo we finished up, untacked, cleaned stalls, brought down hay, fed and let them in. Then we ate and went swimming…screwed around a bit and worked on bracelets. Cleaned more tack, fed again and then left. So me and my grandma are going home and she sees a sign for free kittens to a good home. So she sttarts talking about timmy and gets me all upset…so i start talking about the car im getting and a trip to germany next summer with school. We stopped at Agway and got my bunny food =D and she went schizo. Josh was here (Omg…he’s alive!) haha. He was talking to me about taking German II during tace…idk. I cleaned a cage my brother got and put Ceyla in it. She was chillin for a little but then got tired of being outside. Took Grace to Turkey hill and talked to bernadette…then came here and did this thingy.

So yeah…I really can’t help but to wait for school to start. That means this one guy who likes me is off to boot camp and i dont have to hang out  with him to just “talk” because honestly…i dont know any guys who just want to “talk”. He knows i dont like him…i made that clear. He’s just reallllly persistent i guess…and it’s cute up to a point…but now its annoying. And im sooo excited for the laptops >.< ! PLus i think im sleeping over at Metas house that night…with Ivy perhaps? It’s like tradition…so probably. And then im going to a Rodney Atkins concert on the 25th…i dont even like country that much but last time i went to this place there was this reallllllly hot guy and i told him id probably be back for that particular concert. Haha. I wanna brag about him…hes just like…BAM. Hick…yeah…but hes like…mmmm. And hes a good kisser. So im gonna try to see him again. (And he drives a truck with alot of backseat room =D ) but other than that…i need to go school shopping. My grandparents will probably hate me this year because im getting sick of Kohls…and I have this gift certificate to Pac Sun and American Eagle that ill most definatley max out if you give me time. Im just sick of my old clothes. Half dont even fit me anymore. Its like…honestly. So yeah. Theres a possibility i might be going to Germany, If I can do the class work stuff and pay i’ll have enough for travelling expenses and a car (I love my grandparents for setting up a bank account) haha. well yeah. im tired, lil bush is on and im outttttt.

peace