I can’t say that these last weeks have been really great. I’ve done some pretty exciting things and some things im not too proud of. let’s start off with my job. I work at the kutztown tavern now…as a prep cook. I do line work and stuff when i have nothing else to do. i made 218 on my first paycheck. with a $81 tax deduction. is that seriously even legal. i cant even pay taxes yet. honestly, whats the point of getting paid and working all these hours when the governments just taking your money back…

well besides my job which is pretty much consuming my social life, another good thing that happened was i started riding again after camp, instead of dissapearing for half a year before coming back. things are going good. i rode with angie who stopped down for her birthday and catherine who couldnt make it to camp. so yeah. victors doing pretty awesome. lol.

and on another good note, i got accepted to go on the german trip. i was literally number 40. so i put in my $250 deposit. my goals and everything are set for how much money i need and how much i need to work. my grandma is on the waiting list right now…so she may or may not be going.

bad note, well ive been screwing around with alot of things and i kinda want to stop but at the same time i dont. i just dont feel the need to. even though my friends keep telling me to stop doing this stuff i really am at the point where im pushing everyone an armslength away from me and doing whatever i want…not caring what i do. even though i almost got caught today. its not like i can help it. seriously. and plus…im like not eating as much as i normally would. i lost like 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks from this shit and working and running around all the time. and as much as i hate to admit it, but i know im changing personality wise. im finding things that were hilarious to me in the past as melancholy and totally wry. I guess im just growing up or something. I don’t feel any different…i look different, but i think its partially in the way im acting around my friends. I don’t feel the need to impress them, and i never have, but like…im not taking any crap anymore. drama pretty much ruined my friendships in my freshman year, and i learned from my mistakes and im trying my hardest to stop myself from making them again. And to some certain 8th graders *cough cough anna behm cough cough*, im just a total bitch. Which at times i can be but im generally not unless i really dont want to deal with people. And i really could care less what people say about me. Like…honestly. i didn’t make out with half the guys in school, and i didnt sleep with anybody, and i didnt do this and that and all this bull shit. If you want to know something about me, feel free to ask me; ill give you the god honest answer whether you like it or not. but anyways. i feel horrible because i did this in the fisrt place. My friends bf is this kid i used to like and idk…im jealous of course because i wanted him. even though its my fault i didnt tell her i liked him… and i pretty much told him he’d be gone in a month or whenever she finds another guy. im pretty much comparing her to one of those car ads… “5 years or 50,000 miles.” whichever comes first. and i love this girl to death, you know…shes got my back and ive got hers. it just really bothered me and i dont want to see him get hurt. I dont really care if we never end up together but i just dont want him hurt. i know she can deal with it.
so anyways, to a half and half count. well, i have to say im giving up alot for something ive wanted for quite literally atleast 12 years. on sunday when i was riding last, I was given this deal from my riding instructor. She told me that if i can make enough money every month to pay for board, we would work out a price for victor. I literally almost cried. Im not saying im a better rider than everyone else there, but like…im the only one he listens to when being ridden. I pretty much trained him. And i also fell off of him the first time i rode him. He’s taught me to take my ime with things and work at a steady pace and to not get frustrated with anything. becuase believe me i was pretty frustrated with him. So, i’ll explain my situation. I have to make $280 a month for boarding. plus however much she wants for him. Germany costs 3000, that i have to have by april or something like that. A horse is a big investment, i know. But im giving up germany for him. ive wanted this horse even after i fell and i still want him. Even more so now that he’s trained So toodles germany, ello horse ownership im just reallllly excited. but i feel bad for not going to germany because my grandma wants to go and shes on the waiting list. :/ oh welllll. AND i really miss him

So then theres the boy in tech that i like and im not naming any names beacuse they both could quite possibly read this as some point in time. So all im going to say is that hes really cute, funny, and makes me want to come back everyday just to see him even though he wont be there as of next year. Oh. ill get over it.

New songs ive been listening to from anberlin and amber pacific. i think my favorite song isssssss reclusion w00t. lol. uhhh.

yeah im going to bed. im frickin TIRED. baha. well okay, just a little stuff here for youuu
Feels like you’re miles from here,
in other towns with lesser names.
Where the unholy ghost doesn’t tell
Mary or William exactly what they want to hear.
You remember the house on Ridge Road
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You’ll just have to trust me. I’m scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren’t we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren’t we all to you just lost